YESTERDAY'S FISH AND CHIPS: Virgin's New Image Is Wearing Thin

Do you remember Marathon bars? Or perhaps the Opal Fruit? Now of course, they are more commonly known as Snickers and Starburst - a fantastic piece of rebranding so efective that few now know the old names.

But rebranding hasn't been quite so sweet for Ntl. Now Virgin Media, they arrived amid a publicity storm, offering an alternative to Sky: combining TV, internet, mobile and landline phone services in one unique package.

But like an Opal Fruit, or Starburst, or whtever they're known as, it all went quite sour. Sky upped the price of their channels and Virgin Media refused to pay. The result? Well, two comletely diffrent TV packages - one with all the Sky channels like Sky One, Sky News and Sky Sports News and another without.

So instead, Virgin Media is no alternative to sky, it simply doesn't offer the same channels for a start. And if, like me you thought 'I don't watch those anyway, it won't make a difference I still have Sky Sports and the movie channels' then you were quite wrong.

Virgin have taken on Ntl, a company so famous for its poor customer relations it spurned a website, myntlhell.com. And the re-branding has seen no change.

This week I had a V+ box fitted. It's like Sky+ but by Virgin. Quite simple really. The only problem is, mine doesn't work.

I can record programmes to its hard drive, i can watch a plethora of near pointless channels (one, i found this morning offered a programme 'Britain's most embarrassing illnesses' - nice) and I can access most sports. But I can't access the interactive service - the very platform upon which they hope to challenge Sky.

I can't watch movies, because I can't key in my PIN code to confirm that I am old enough to watch a PG-rated film. Similarly I can't watch pay-per-view football, or golf and I can't get movies and music on demand.

But, don't let one faulty box dirty your opinion of Virgin Media I thought. So I phoned them in the hope of finding a resolution so I can get my snazzy new V+ working.

True to their predecessor's reputation however, Virgin Media sent me round the houses in a vain search for a solution. Four phone calls (a total of 2 hours) and three promises of a call back later, I am still no nearer to watching a movie, or sport or anything else for that matter.

As I sit musing over Britains most embarrassing illnesses, I wonder why bother. Sky may be a bit more pricey, and they may attach what looks like a Russian space station to the side of your house, but they at least offer a service that works - and gives you channels you actually want.